Day 19. #30daybloggingchallenge

Discuss your first love.

Ah! This is a tough one. My love life has always been a mess – I laugh saying it although it isn’t a laughing matter.

I find the “first love” subject a particularly hard one to discuss because it’s subjective – as in, my first relationship wasn’t my first love (I know, crazy right?). Then again, I am only 19, I am still wondering if I really knew love or it was just an illusion or a childish wish. Looking back on this side of my life, I do differentiate between when I was in love and when I thought I was.

My first love… hm… I was fourteen at the time. It wasn’t the type of love I would give now – but I’ve changed a lot since then – and still, I feel like it was love. Not only for that particular moment in time; yes, we sometimes think we love someone, but it’s only the moment and as soon as it passes we wake up to reality and realise it was only a wish, an urge, a “what we need” then.

It was an innocent type of love.

Yes, I know it’s hard to believe if we look around at how some teenager act. But it was innocent in every sense – holding hands, going out, talking long walks, kissing. I’ve had my first real kiss with “my first love.” Haha. I remember being so nervous, and wondering how it would feel like, and if I can do something wrong.

Oh, it’s so hard to not go back and forth different moments.

The kiss was… heart-warming. It made the world around fade, my heart pound, my mind dizzy. Just remembering it makes me smile. It was awkward and passionate in a way too. I think I giggled when it ended and smiled like crazy. It was a kiss that made me feel alive and daring and cared for.

This aside, we had a healthy relationship that lasted about nine months. There were ups and downs, but I think that I was the more mature one out of the two in regards to our approach to the relationship – I would rather speak up my mind than keep quiet. All in all, it was a great period of my life. I remember about it with joy. My and my boyfriend would support and help out each other, be romantic sometimes, try to motivate one another to be the best we can be.

Let’s hope he doesn’t read my blog.

Haha. A sweet moment that I will always remember is this one time, we were walking on the boulevard, and we hadn’t seen each other in a while, and there were rose bushes on the street. We had just met up with some friends, and while we were talking, he stopped, I only took a few steps forward before noticing, and I turned around. He took a rose for me. With his mouth. I heard him cursing under his breath that a thorn stung him. It was funny but cute at the same time. What was really amusing though… He tried to act all Zorro with the rose, and it fell from his hand when he was about to offer it to me. Oh Lord, it wasn’t nice, but I laughed my ass off. He froze in place, his face a grimace. Our good friend lifted it quickly, gave it back to him and said “hey!”

If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change a thing.

There were sad moments too. I choose not to remember them; yet, they were a great lesson for me and a heads up for the future. For a long time after we broke up, I didn’t feel or couldn’t perhaps feel the same way for someone else. That what makes me think it was love in a way. Because it marked me. Because it was different. Because neither before nor after did I feel exactly the same for someone.

Oh well… just one person since then, but this love is something else. And besides, this is another story.

I am curious: what’s one word (or more) that could describe your first love?

Rebecca Radd Signature


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